Grieving the White House

The moment I learned that my husband had died in a tractor-train collision, I was gobsmacked; truly and utterly unable to comprehend the words being said to me. Like an overflowing bathtub, my mind filled with frightening emotions and spilled them into my gut, which revolted, and I couldn’t eat for days.

The moment I heard, “Grab ‘em by the pussy,” I likewise was unable to comprehend. How could someone running for president say (and do) such a sexually violent thing? The words hit me in the gut, which is what grief does. Then he mocked a disabled reporter. And paid a porn star for sex. And lied, lied, and lied some more before encouraging his supporters to storm the Capitol.

‘Surely this is the end of his and MAGA’s stupefying stupidity,’ I thought when he finally exited the White House.

Then, in the wee hours of the morning of November 6, 2024, that same, “Are you KIDDING me?” landed, as it always does, like a punch to the gut.

Friends, there wasn’t enough Imodium in the world…

In the months since the antichrist and his apocalyptic sycophants took back the keys to the Oval Office, I’m still jaw-droppingly dumfounded by the normalization of their lies, belittlements, and toddleresque behavior, and in recent days, horrified by the physical ripping apart of the White House, which isn’t even his house! He, as always, did whatever the fuck he wanted with no regard for rules.

AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM.

No consequences, as always.

This is full blown grief, my friends; the inability to comprehend what’s being said and done in the moment.

Forty-two years ago, after my husband’s funeral, I told our pastor/friend that time heals all wounds. His response?

“Time doesn’t have the power to heal. Healing implies it goes away. But years from now, you’ll be able to recall this time and feel everything you feel at this moment. In time, you will get stronger, you will feel joy again, you will build yourself up, but this comes from inside you, not because a certain amount of time passes. It’s a lot of work and you won’t be the same person. You can’t be.”

Friends, we can’t forget this feeling. This grief. And to live with this grief, we must build up again, with truth and justice and compassion. We are nothing without compassion, no matter what bro podcasters preach. We have a lot of work to do. But first, we must acknowledge our grief and let it drive our actions.

I’ll let Mr. Rogers finish this for me; a man far wiser than me. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable, can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Namaste. Make it so.